Blowing in the wind

(Last Updated On: April 15, 2010)
A Chinese lantern
A Chinese lantern

Chinese Lunar New Year is long gone. The lanterns (above) are packed away until the next firework-fueled blow out: Two weeks of the year that an entire nation stops.

When the next new year arrives I will be father.

A father.

A man approaching 40, a successful yet slightly unstable vagabond, an expat, a square peg in a round hole, will be a father.

The thought fills me with terror. Life is now real, each day flashing by in sickening Technicolor dread. Not that life wasn’t real before – but your existence takes on a Disney-quality when someone else pays all the bills.

You should be happy, Stevo, says the inner voice. A baby! You like babies. You love children. You are child, in a middle-aged body – this will be only job you will ever really be good at.

Why is inner voice so optimistic?

I’ve never run from responsibility – that has been my lot in life. Making decisions regarding the design of a wireless flash trigger and raising a child are worlds apart. Can I do it? Will the jitters go away? Or, am I destine to be a nervous wreck until  Baby Stevo graduates university?

Don’t worry, everything will be fine. This is China, everything is always fine, you’ve learned that, worry wort, whispers the inner voice. The glass isn’t half full, it is full.

Half-empty then half-full – terror and joy holding hands with freakish regularity. That’s me, the lantern, blowing in the wind, between two extremes.

Seven weeks. That’s all. Seven weeks to stop being all dramatic, to put up and shut up, to be the man I should be – the man – the father – I want to be.

A bright and frightening future awaits.

13 thoughts on “Blowing in the wind

  1. This is beautiful. I know those feelings. The moment my contractions began, the ones that initiated the labor and birth of my first child, I turned toward my husband and said, “I’ve changed my mind. I don’t want to do this.” I went on to do it over and over again because it was far more joy than terror–and still is.
    .-= madame donna´s last blog ..Twisted Indian Kheema Salad =-.

  2. i love this. i felt the same things, before lillie came. now, i can’t imagine our lives without her – she’s so MUCH a part of our lives, bringing us joy in untold ways. and being nervous is a GOOD THING.

    you’ll be a great dad, i just know it. the hard parts will come, but the work is SO worth it. YAY! now find an address so i can send you this blankie! 🙂
    .-= jessiev´s last blog ..Myrtle Beach MayFest – a Month of Free Concerts and Festivals =-.

  3. As I hold a fussing 9 week old Liam as I read this, I’ll just tell you this. You WILL be a nervous wreck and worry about them all the time. But you won’t do anything else in your life that compares to this.

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