{"id":274,"date":"2007-08-17T06:00:44","date_gmt":"2007-08-16T22:00:44","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.stevepeer.net\/?p=288"},"modified":"2007-08-17T06:00:44","modified_gmt":"2007-08-16T22:00:44","slug":"ocular-fluid-and-thirsty-umbrellas","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.stevepeer.com\/blog\/ocular-fluid-and-thirsty-umbrellas\/","title":{"rendered":"ocular fluid and thirsty umbrellas"},"content":{"rendered":"<p class=\"left\"><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.stevepeer.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2007\/08\/umbrella-girl.jpg?w=250\" alt=\"umbrella-girl.jpg\"  \/><\/p>\n<p>I hated winters when I lived in Canada. I feared the winter. Now, I have a <strong>fear of umbrellas<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p>The people that wax romantic about winter wonderlands are deluded. During my exile in Northern Ontario my cabin was wood-heated. When I awoke in that drafty little building, and the outside temperature hovered around -30\u00b0 C, I could see my breath. Yes, I hate winters.<\/p>\n<p>My Chinese existence has taught me to love winter. Yes, it\u2019s cloudy and dreary for weeks on end, but the searing 40\u00b0 C temperatures are replaced with a Canadian-like autumn. And, except for rainy days, there is a distinct lack of umbrellas.<\/p>\n<p>The ubiquitous umbrella, invented in China in the days of yore and a still-used daily accessory, held aloft by women shielding themselves from the sun. Dark skin is considered low-class in China, one look at the cosmetic counters and the plethora of skin whitening creams attests to that. As do the endless infomercials with dramatic before-and-after images of newly nearly Caucasian-Asian women.<\/p>\n<p>Women, and there obsession with light skin, doesn\u2019t cause me concern. If I had some spare bucks I would open an umbrella factory to feed the frenzy and line my pockets. My difficulty with umbrellas is the possibility of umbrella-induced blindness. Yes, you read that correctly. I have a <strong>fear of umbrellas<\/strong>.<\/p>\n<p><!--more--><\/p>\n<p>Look at a typical umbrella: The ribs that hold the canopy\u2019s shape end in dangerously jagged pieces of metal (these ribs should not be confused with the food, I should try these <a title=\"Barbecue (BBQ) Recipes: Baby Back Pork Ribs Done Right\" href=\"http:\/\/bbq-recipes.blogspot.com\/2008\/12\/baby-back-pork-ribs-done-right.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">baby back rib recipes<\/a>). On a bright day they wink like malevolent, razor-sharp teeth. Those teeth want to taste my ocular fluid. I can hear them whispering. Ocular fluid gives umbrellas a mythical ability to better protect the bearer from the sun. I wear <strong>Oakley Sunglasses<\/strong> whenever I\u2019m outdoors. Looking cool, while important, is not my primary concern. Protecting my vision is. The Oakleys provide both.<\/p>\n<p>At lunch time 3000 students leave my school by a pathway twenty feet wide. Come summer, rain or shine, that path is a sea of umbrellas. I can only describe my danger like this: 5\u2019 10\u201d Stevo, smaller Chinese students carrying umbrellas. The picture below (not as good as Bongo\u2019s) graphically illustrates my fears.<\/p>\n<p><img data-recalc-dims=\"1\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignleft\" src=\"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.stevepeer.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2007\/08\/umbrella-draw-copy1.jpg?w=550\" alt=\"umbrella-draw-copy.jpg\"  \/><\/p>\n<p>Children are rarely concerned with the world around them. Adding the inability to walk in a straight line and umbrellas wishing feed on eye-flesh equals a recipe for disaster. This phenomenon isn\u2019t restricted to the school. On a busy sidewalk hundreds of women bearing umbrellas chat on their cell phones. A quick step to avoid a puddle could push those sharp-edged umbrella bits deep into my eye sockets.<\/p>\n<p>Is my fear of umbrella-induced blindness less rational than the fear of those bearing the umbrellas? Not much. I think to be an effective teacher I need my vision. Leading a reading exercise might prove more difficult wearing an eye-patch. (not that eye-patches aren\u2019t cool. I love pirates. My dedication to the <a title=\"Touched by His Noodly Appendage\" href=\"http:\/\/www.venganza.org\/\">FSM<\/a> has taught that.)<\/p>\n<p>I haven\u2019t conquered my <strong>fear of umbrellas<\/strong>, but do my best to control it. I don\u2019t want it to rule my life. If it did I would be hidden in my apartment from May until November. There is little I can do about umbrellas other than wear cool faux-Oakley sunglasses and keep my head down.<\/p>\n<p>And wait for winter.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Yes, I have a fear of umbrellas. Don&#8217;t you?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":272,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[28,45,12,19],"tags":[299,305,659,673,674,675,724,940,1052],"class_list":["post-274","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-china","category-humour","category-reflections","category-travel","tag-humor","tag-image","tag-november","tag-oakley","tag-oakley-sunglasses","tag-oakleys","tag-photos-travel","tag-teacher","tag-walk"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v21.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Fear of Umbrellas | Chinese Inventions<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Yes, I have a fear of umbrellas. 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